52 Bands

Can We Make This More Awkward?: 10 Bands I Would Like To Have At An Office Christmas Party

by Sammi Dittloff on December 17th, 2007

Now, okay, truth be told, I’ve never worked in an office. So, when I think about office Christmas parties, I just think of the stereotypically awkward ones that I’ve seen in movies and on TV. This is kind of my disclaimer to tell you that I am looking at this list through that particular lens. This is also funny, because I was the one who brought up this idea in b5, and I’ve never worked in an office. I mean, I’m in college. So yeah.

Nevertheless, I have come up with a list of artists or bands that I thought would serve in “shaking things up” at an office Christmas party, either loosening everyone up or making things sufficiently more awkward. Enjoy?

•  Tenacious D: I can just see that as being one of the funniest things in my adult life. Seriously. Think about it. You think you’re going to hear a really nice song, where he says, “This is a song for the ladies, but fellas, listen closely.” And then all of a sudden you realize he’s in the middle of a song called “F*** Her Gently.” That could make things sufficiently awkward, and delightfully so, if you’ve got a sense of humor like mine. Of course, “Wonderboy” is a slightly less offensive crowd-pleaser, but that’s not what I’d be looking for. I want to see Jan in HR speechless, just once.

• Morningwood: The name itself could send shockwaves through the cubicles. Actually, though, not a lot of their songs are overly graphic. There is this one song, called “Take Off Your Clothes,” however, where Chantal Claret, the lead singer, asks for a volunteer on stage, specifically someone that is over 18 and a man. She then proceeds to handcuff him to her and remove his clothing on stage. Hopefully it’s that hottie Rob from the mailroom, right? You can thank me later.

• Mika: The reason I pick Mika is a little bit different from the other people I’ve chosen up to now. I’m not saying that his music is awkward or offensive in any way. Quite the contrary, so much of it is peppy, crowd-pleasing, music that makes you just want to jump around dancing. Also, I have run into waaayyy too many guys that are closet friends of Mika. My boyfriend included. Mika would be someone everyone got into, even that macho jerk Blake that works two cubicles over. Something finally broke that homophobic exterior. Excellent.

• Say Anything: I partially picked Say Anything for their deceptive name. I’d love to get a bunch of people together in the office, thinking that they may be about to hear a pleasant 80’s cover band, only to hear the lyrics from “Alive With The Glory of Love”: When I watch you/Wanna do you/Right where you’re standing. Or perhaps “The Futile”: S***. Nothing makes sense/So I won’t think about it/I’ll go with the ignorant/Eat, sleep f*** and flee…” and so on. Plus, I feel that some people would be surprisingly into them, as I was. They grew on me quickly and then didn’t let go. Great band, and you may get some angsty energy out so everyone wins.

• Rufus Wainwright: I picked Rufus pretty much for the same reason I picked Mika, but also so much more. He’s just an amazing musician, with music that can fit every occasion, including a potentially awkward office party. He is fabulous, a great showman, and someone else that I have heard guys secretly appreciating. Watching him prance around on stage may have you forget for just that moment that you’re in a place with the people you spend every day with instead of actual friends and loved ones. Maybe.

• Tapes ‘n Tapes: This band is just a great pump-up band. I’m not saying they’d make anything awkward. In fact, I don’t think they would. However, they would get even the crabbiest people in the office up on tables dancing like loons, which, incidentally, is the name of their album, The Loon. I just think that Tapes ‘n Tapes is good fun. Songs to especially check out, “Cowbell” and “Just Drums.” I dare you to listen to those and not feel better about your 9-5 daily grind.

• Babyshambles: Okay, so, Pete Doherty is the lead singer of this band. Do I really need to say more about that? Think of all the scandalosity that could go on in the office that night. Oh, the debauchery. It would make for a great next day at work. Just think about it. Pete Doherty. Enough said.

• Juliette and the Licks: Juliette Lewis. Oh yeah. Juliette and the Licks, a band originally created as sort of a joke, kind of a satire and gross embellishment on how glammed out, coked out, crazy over-the-top bands can be, has actually become quite a sensation in themselves. Lewis prances around on stage, scantily clad, singing songs like “Death of a Whore,” and “Hot Kiss,” as she pounces on members of the band, beats people up, whatever she can think of. The entire band is crazy, out-of-control, and could potentially trash your entire office. Extended break, anyone?

• Peaches: Alright, so this is an artist with a seemingly innocent voice, but when you actually hear the words come out of her mouth, whoa. This is awkwardness at its best. Try and look your co-workers in the eye when you’re listening to songs like “F*** The Pain Away” or “Suck and Let Go.” She is extremely offensive, to the point of overkill, and this Christmas party would be undoubtedly priceless. She is so far away from the holy principles of Christmas, it was a stretch for me to string them together in this sentence. Oh yes, I’d want a videotape of this show.

• The Format: You caught me, I decided to end on a non-awkward note. The Format is definitely on my list of top 5 bands currently, and I listen to at least one of their songs every day. It is impossible to hear a song of theirs and not freak out dancing. They are super and anyone can appreciate them, in my opinion. You will not offend a single person in the office with their music, and maybe they’ll walk out with a new favorite band, who knows? You pick this band, and expect a Christmas bonus.

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